I’m reading C. S. Lewis’s A Grief Observed right now. It’s a collection from his personal journal, written in the weeks following the death of his wife. In honor of this book (which I’m certain was hard for him to share) I decided to post the last entry from my journal… Completely unedited. It was written for no one’s eyes but God’s, but all the same, I share it with you.
“Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus… who made himself of no reputation… and became obedient unto death…”
It’s hard to know that God became flesh- the God who created the stars in space- and that he became a man and died for me. Nothing about that is fair or right. In a way, it’s the exact opposite of what I’ve been doing all my life- puffing myself up, striving desperately to be someone, to earn a reputation.
But Who but God Himself was willing to die for me? How, how can I have worried so desperately about who I am, what I’m capable of, and what I deserve? How can I have walked around with this chip on my shoulder, when it’s only in Him I live and move and have my being?
How can I not turn and fall broken at the feet of Jesus? It doesn’t matter anymore. My pride, the grades I’ve gotten, my reputation… I was desperately wicked and incredibly stupid from the start, without Him. Those times I turned to my own devices were slaps in the face of my Creator. He gives me everything I am and everything I need.
It doesn’t matter where He calls me- just that I am called and sustained by Him.
You, Lord, will give me a passion and a purpose. That’s all that matters.