“It was a time of change…”
Change always throws me for a loop, as though my security lies in things continuing the way they have for the last half year or so, as though I didn’t know that life includes many surprising twists and unexpected adventures.
This last adventure has me often lying on my bed or the couch in the languid state of a limp dishrag, saying to myself disconsolately, “Nursing school? Bangladesh? No, I don’t think my previous challenges were as hard as this… at least then I didn’t have to face everything through clouds of sickly green fog…” And I sigh and tell God that I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next day, or night, or hour. And then somehow, I do, and I am learning that in my weakest moments, God will meet me–sometimes in the shape of a helping hand, or my husband, or a small boy’s sweet smile–but He’s always faithful. I may no longer know just who I am, but He knows me, just like He’s always known.
The white and coral throw pillows I arranged so carefully for a full year of marriage are now as often as not face-down on my floor. Joining them is a mish-mash of toys and books and crumpled tissues. The dishes sometimes stack up in my sink for days… My flowers languish, dry and thirsty, while I sit inside reading stories to a little man with sharp elbows and big eyes. Even more strange? I don’t care much about these things that I once would have been so quick to put to rights.
Instead I thank God that I have the energy when I need it to care for our new little foster son. I thank Him that all-day morning sickness cannot last forever, and that it is for a good reason, for the cause of a new, special life… I am grateful God woke us up when the little boy struggled for each breath one night, and–exhaustion and nausea forgotten–we rushed him to the ER. I am thankful he is better, even though Ben and I both picked up the torch where he left it, hacking and sneezing in his place.
My heart aches at giving up my hospital job–relinquishing the badge that gives me entrance to the place where I learned how to be a nurse, and so much more… I am new to this pregnant woman, sick and exhausted, no longer a career girl, just a stand-in mommy and a very poor housewife.
“It was time of change… a red maple leaf held stubbornly, twisting and turning on its stem.
‘Let it happen,’ nudged the breeze.
And so it did, breaking away soundlessly, twisting and turning. The new season is here.”
From First Snow in the Woods by Carl R. Sam’s II and Jean Stoick
My sister sent me that poem, with some dried leaves, soon after I moved to Bangladesh. I’ve thought of it many times since, in seasons of change… let it happen, Alison.
Or, as I heard somewhere recently, sometimes we spend so long staring at the closed doors that we never see the open ones waiting for us.
Seasons will change, and eventually, maybe autumn will come with crisp days and a breath of fresh air for those who dwell in green fog. Until then, His grace, as always, is sufficient.
Judith
16 Aug 2022Alison, it seems your posts often come when I need them. I too, need a fresh dose of that sufficient Grace that is waiting for us to take advantage of it each morning. And so while the rain patters on my tin roof tonight, I will bask in the knowledge that it’s all there, just what I need- for today.
Alison
16 Aug 2022🤗❤️
Laura Miller
16 Aug 2022Congratulations on your new tiny life! What joy!!… tho the green fog is the worst part of the pregnancy journey… in my experience. (Yes, I’d take labor & delivery over the constant nausea.) God’s grace is sufficient for every change… even hormonal ones. Grace and courage for the hard and joyful days ahead!
Alison
16 Aug 2022Thanks, Laura!
Meg Graber
17 Aug 2022Alison! I can relate to this so well. I also, was pregnant for the first time, with a new foster son, and it was all so much change at once. My prayers are with you and also, it makes me so happy to hear of more people getting into foster care so young. It is a high and holy calling. I also want to leave you with this quote that has gotten me through many a difficult season with our little foster children. “Hard is not the same thing as bad. -Abby(?)” Much love, Meg
Alison
18 Aug 2022Aww, Meg, thanks so much… Love the quote you shared. I actually have thought about you and the little I know about your journey through your blog… Knowing someone else has been there always helps for some reason. ❤️
Steph Neuenschwander
19 Aug 2022Thank you for this, Alison. It’s exactly what I needed for the seasons of change in my life! I want to hold on to the normal and balk at opening new doors, not realizing what blessing may be above and beyond the normal I now know.
Anonymous
19 Aug 2022Ahh change can be so hard, even good changes! Blessings to you in this season of change!💜