Combatting the sin of comparison, before it conquers life.
A thought keeps rising to the surface of my mind recently–perhaps the voice of the Holy Spirit speaking to me in no uncertain terms–“Alison, this is the life I have given you. You are the person I made You to be. Stop looking around and comparing yourself to everyone else.”
There is a song I listened to as a teenager that had a line that went like this:
Bright are the stars that shine, in somebody else’s sky, green is the grass that grows someplace different… (Nichole Nordeman)
And to my shame, I have lived that–over and over, after I think I have already learned my lesson.
Why does it take so long for me to realize that no two people and no two situations are the same–there just isn’t any need to look at what someone else, or even everyone else, is doing or being or having, and think–that ought to be me. I don’t need to look at someone else’s child sitting quietly on their lap and suddenly resolve to be much stricter so that my children sit like that too. I don’t need to feel jealous of my nursing school classmates who have worked for years and advanced their career while I have been called to stay home with our children for the last few years. I don’t need to watch families who travel and plant huge gardens and renovate their houses, seemingly all with scads of little children underfoot, and feel like I’m getting nothing done. I can’t and shouldn’t try to paint like my one sister and sew like my other sister and sound smart and educated like all my sisters and my brother too… to bake like that sister in the church and clean my house like that sister in the church and grind my own coffee! (After all, you can buy Mama Java pre-ground, anyway.) I don’t need to always play games with my children, or always work while they’re awake–for some reason, I can feel guilty for both and imagine that other people either A. always stop working and play with their children when they are grumpy, or B. always keep getting a lot done regardless of how their children are acting. How ridiculous our imaginations can be!
If you breeze through pregnancy then cry every day postpartum for weeks, while your best friend recovers quickly and says how much she loves the newborn baby stage–it’s okay! If you drag yourself through nine months of pregnancy, feeling miserable every moment, and watch the other pregnant women who don’t seem to slow down at all–it’s okay! If you try to make your own bread, and all it does is flop, so you decide to just buy your bread for the rest of your days, but you don’t want your sister-in-law to know–truly, it is okay. If you need eight hours of sleep, while your husband thrives on six, if you need to eat every four hours or your blood sugar crashes and you get crabby, if you drive an ancient, rusty minivan and it rarely gets washed or swept out… believe me, it’s okay.
We all have different gifts and different kinds of blessings from God. We all are human, uniquely human, and there is not a single other person or situation that was created like us and ours. Every single one of us has been blessed beyond all measure, and every single one of us is beautiful and so loved in God’s eyes.
If my twins ever say to me–“Mom, you don’t love me the way you love my sibling! You give her/him things you don’t give me. Why don’t you love me the same way you love him/her? If I act more like my twin, would you love me more?” I would feel so sad. I love them both so much, that it is absolutely beside the point to compare my love for them. I don’t treat them the same always. Sometimes one of them needs a lot more TLC than the other one, and sometimes one of them needs a punishment when the other one doesn’t, but they are two totally different little people, and I want to give them what they need. Because they are people, not machines or algebraic formulas.
I would want to say–“But, honey, I love you so much, it doesn’t even matter how I love your twin. I wanted you both so much, that I would have done almost anything for either one of you–even before you were born. I sang songs for you, I walked the floor with you while your twin slept, I fed you because you were hungry, I worried over you when you were sick. I couldn’t wait to give you a toy I thought you would like, or hold you, and kiss you, and brush the hair out of your eyes. I love you because you are you.”
And that must be how God feels when I try to be like other people–when I try to check the boxes so I can be as special and loved as they are–
“But Alison, I formed you in the womb; I made you in my image. I gave you beautiful gifts all your own–sunshine and love and redemption and a straight path to walk. I held you by the hand. I gave you a life and a work that I wanted you to do–I gave you a family and a home. I gave you talents and dreams and shortcomings–the fingerprints of your humanity. I loved you so much, and I have given you so much–why would you wish to be someone else? Why would you not seek my face and see there the love and the reflection of yourself that I see when I look at you–the person redeemed, the beautiful daughter who lives in the light of my smile, so loved and so blessed?”
And in reply, what can I say except, “Thank you, God. I want to be the person that you are making me–I don’t want to be anyone else.”
He has given us all the permission we need to humble ourselves and ask for help when we feel overwhelmed, to make frozen pizzas if that is all we can handle when we are pregnant and sick, and to do our laundry every day or only once a week if that is what works! He even lets us cut out a dress outside and use tomatoes for fabric weights–despite that being slightly unconventional… Yes, that was me, I did that, how fun it is to just be me! 😉
What a miracle to be so loved. How special to be so blessed by the One Who holds the stars. As a child, I can come to him and receive the strength and the grace to live free from comparison and guilt. I can tell Him about the things I struggle with and let Him help me. I can trustingly put my hands in His and say,
“The Lord is my Shepherd–He leads me to green grass and cool water. I am so loved, and I have everything I could ever need, right here, under His care. I don’t need to be or do anything special. Amen.”
Holly
27 Sep 2024Thank you for this post. This is exactly what I needed today. Ask my husband, he will confirm I was comparing and complaining about what others so effortlessly do while I seemingly have no talent. I will reread this. God has touched my heart. Thank you for being His vessel.
Alison
27 Sep 2024I am so glad if sharing the things I struggle with can help other people who face the same thing! God bless you as you embrace the person He made you to be. ❤️
Emily Miller
28 Sep 2024Thank you for writing and sharing this. It was a balm to my soul this morning.
Alison
28 Sep 2024♥️
Lily
28 Sep 2024This. This.❤️ Let the relief wash over my comparison weary heart! The heart and the feeling in your posts is why I look forward to them so much!!
Bless you for using your gift of words!! For you truly have one!!
Alison
28 Sep 2024♥️
Rhoda Martin
28 Sep 2024How comparison steals my joy! I think of this quote often: “We won’t be distracted by comparison if we are captivated by purpose.” I want to be fully focused on God’s beautiful calling on my life right now, grieve well the losses of what could have been, and give him my longings for what could still be.
Alison
28 Sep 2024I love that quote!
Guy
11 Nov 2024I recently found your blog, out of curiosity about your community. There are a lot of Amish and Mennonite people living around me. I shop frequently at the Wal-mart in Versailles, Mo. and notice the very well dressed mothers with their children, and wanted to know more about you all. I had an amazing lunch at a small Mennonite place today, that was literally a house in which they lived. They were very kind and welcoming, even though I am probably considered an outsider to them. Anyways, to my point….I have been struggling lately and came upon this blog entry. It fit so perfectly, that I shared it with a friend that is also dealing with similar feelings. We are both musicians and singing is how we connect with people. In this lifestyle it is so hard to not feel like you aren’t good enough…or why am I not being given the opportunity that this person is getting. By nature, it can be a competitive industry. This entry reminded me as to why I sing and for whom. God gave me this gift, and I only need his praise. If it comes from the correct place, and for the right reason, then it will be the most fulfilling. Thank you for writing this. It was God speaking to me, through you. Be blessed my friend!!
Alison
11 Nov 2024Thank you for sharing your story! I am glad God chose to speak encouragement to you through this post.